I only have seven lives left

I hadn't run since Wednesday. That run was completely craptastic. The snow, ice, and dog nearly killed me. I felt awful after my run too. My ankle is still sore. I went to bed last night knowing that I was getting up to run today. The roads looked great last night, so I was excited to have a nice, relaxed run.

I slept in and didn't head out until almost 9:00. I told my DH that I was hoping for 6 or 7 miles depending on the cold and my ankle that was acting funny since the awful run. I was feeling good, but cold all the way up the hill. In fact, I was feeling so good I decided that I would run down the other side.

I was in a nice brisk run with my only source of negativity being a need to find the bathroom when a lady come tearing out of this long driveway and almost runs us over. In fact, I think she brushed the dog. I was startled and flustered, but it all became rage when she starting giving me the look of death! I had the right of way. I was going straight. She was the one who nearly ran me over! Then she looked at me, snarls and drives away with her hands in the air. If I could have found a rock, I probably would have thrown it.

I calmed my nerves and kept going. I made my turn around and headed towards my parents' subdivision. They have a bathroom! I was coming around the lake and I noticed an older man get into his car, and I was more alert now having just been nearly killed. My alertness paid off because the man back up and almost hit us. TWICE in one day! However, the reaction was so different! The very pleasant man rolled down his window and apologized at least 10 times in 12 seconds. I didn't even care that he almost made my children orphans. He was nice about it!

I gathered myself and headed to my parents house. I really needed the bathroom by this point! They had borrowed our second car and I opted to just drive it the 1.8 miles home instead of run. I decided not to chance anymore today. My run was shortened to just under five miles.

I hadn't realized just how cold it was. It was a balmy 10 degrees when I got in the car. I have GOT to get some winter running gear. I had patches of bright red skin under my clothing when I returned home. I think it is time for an investment in myself.

Why does food taunt me?

I swear it is the enemy! It sits in the kitchen and calls my name. It cries my name softly and promises to fix my ever dilemma. It shouts my name when I don't come instantly.

I am sad, it is there with waiting arms. I am bored, it promises excitement. I am alone, it keeps me company. I am mad, it is my crusader. It is my closest friend, and my worst enemy.

I have yet to understand fully why I can't control it. I start my day with the utmost in determination. I make my plan and I intend to follow through. I pass through our home, and it is at every pass. I know in my rational mind, that food is not the answer for anything other than true hunger, but in the moment I can't connect with rational thought. I listen to the food's subtle cry of deception.

I know that in the first few months of my WLJ, I was able to stifle it's cries. I shut it in a box and stowed it somewhere. Then the plateau hit. My determination was there for months and months. I didn't let it out of the box. I didn't even look for the box. Then, nine months into my plateau, I let it out again. I rationalized it with the fact that I could eat more of what I wanted and stay the same, or I could do it all "Right" which wasn't as much fun and stay the same weight.

Here I am another 7 months later as almost the exact same weight. I play with 5 pounds up and five pounds down. I just can't seem to find the box to incarcerate it again. So many days I don't know that I am even looking for the box.

I have said so many time that I would cut off a limb to weight less than 150 and yet.... I can't even control my hand that is stuff my face. I must not really want it bad enough.

I do want it, but the question is am I willing to find the box, use the box, and destroy the box. Food is not my answer to life's problems. Food solves nothing. I know that I have some deep seated issues related to food and weight, and I keep wading through them . I think it is evident that I have dealt with enough.

I am off to hunt for my box.

Where the Real Runners are

Our town only has one RUNNING store. I have honestly wondered how it keeps in business, yet wonder why the town only has one and it is so small. I have wanted to visit it, but frankly I have been leery. I have said repeatedly that all those real runners scare me. I feel like real runners look at me and wonder what the heck I am doing.

Dh let me out of the house yesterday afternoon for a couple errands and he encouraged me to make my debut. I was nearly sick on the way in. It is the kind of store when everyone notices who walks in. A little down town boutique leaves no room for anonymity. Two obviously runners were working there and immediately offered to help. I felt like a complete idiot because I couldn't even tell them why I was there or what I was looking for.

I finally told the one guy that I was freezing on my runs. I have no idea what is available for winter running gear. I don't know what I should be looking for and I don't know what I even like. I couldn't even tell him which part of me was cold on my runs. Before I knew it I was asking tons of questions and yakking like a nervous madwoman. I did learn tons about the local running world. I finally joined the local Road Runner's Group.

I left happy, but amazingly depressed at the same time. I feel like I will never be there. I get so happy over my own progress. I was thrilled when I broke 30 and yet, that is trash to the "Real Runners." I know that my 18 miles a week is chump change to them. I know that my 2 races are laughable. I have been truly running less than a year and the older man has been running longer than I have been alive.

I get so overwhelmed by it all. I feel like the bottom feeder of the running world. I wonder if I will ever feel like more than that. I know that when I run, I am competing with my own body, my own mind, but.... it just gets hard sometimes.

I must take it one day at a time, and to do that, I must run today. in the snow....

Hey at least I got new running gloves.

I must be a runner

I often doubt that I am a runner. I doubt the most when I am around REAL runners. You know the type :perfectly toned, fatless bodies, Skimpy little clothes, long legs that seem to never end. Those people completely intimidate me. When I run near or around them I feel like a big fraud. I can hear what they are thinking, "Oh my goodness, look at the fat chick try to walk fast. I hope she doesn't cause an earthquake."

I haven't wanted to run daily while I am hear in Wyoming. I run for so many reasons, but one of the big things is to think. I spend a lot of time thinking about everything, and I enjoy the time alone. Well, here I am in a home that isn't my own, and I can really use the time to think and e alone. I would love to run daily for the alone time!

When we pulled into town it was 59 degrees. I was already thinking about the wonderful the running would be this week. Well, a cold front arrived shortly after we did and the snow followed shortly after. The snow has been light, but this morning when I headed it out there was a soft blanket over everything. It was a lovely 18 degrees out, but I was determined.

The run was not the easiest. I spent most of my time making sure my footing was secure. The sidewalks we fine because the thin layer of snow provided traction, but the intersections and driveways, were treacherous. I can't help but wonder what the "real" runners do when running these conditions.

I persevered and it felt great. I felt like a real runner. Sure, I am still the fat chick torturing the pavement, but I was out. I was doing proving to myself that I could do it even when it was 18 degrees and snowing in foreign territory.

I need to quit ignoring this blog

I really want to blog here. I just have so little time and energy. I don't even post of my other blog very often. Throughout my day I think of things that I would love to blog about here and there, but I just don't find the time to get to it. When I finally have time (usually late at night) I just don't have the energy to put it out there.

I have been mentally dealing with alot as far as my health and body goes. I really thought as I lost weight that the fat girl mentality would somehow disappear with the pounds. It hasn't. I still hate my body and I still criticize myself daily for that. I have times that I feel really great about the way I look. I know that I look so much better than I did when I started this whole journey, but everytime I look in the mirror, I still see the fat girl.

I feel strong and healthy, but I still am so unhappy with it all. I know that it is good to want more, but is there a point that I will finally be happy? I can't go anywhere without comparing myself to other people, especially anyone of similar age and in the same stage of motherhood. I compare myself to runners and that make me half ill.

I don't know how to fix that all, but I am determined to work on it. One thing that I KNOW that I can do something about it is my training. I want to make a commitment to train seriously. I want to eat better so I can train easier. I know that a marathon will be a lot easier if I can finally drop the last 30 pounds!

Here are my goals. I am going to put it out there for all to read (all two of you :)

Big Goals:
Rockford Half Marathon on May 18, 2008
Chicago Marathon on Octover 12, 2008

The Little Stuff that will get me there:
Push my mile to under 9
Increase my base mileage
Weight training
Yoga
No soda
More water
Eat with purpose

Fit people scare me

I was out running toight. I always run in our neck of the woods, but tonight I decided to run on the local rec path to test my legs on a difference course. I started off at the gardens and headed out. I only ran to the bridge and I was just too creeped out by the guy who had set his pace right behind me.

I am not good alone. I am not good in unknown situations, so I chickened out and turned around. I ran past my starting point and headed down the path toward the Y. As I neared the Y, I was even more frightened. The creepy people didn't scare me, but the blonde with legs that were up to my chin ran past me like I was running backwards. I was scared by the pair of Mexican jogging men who were pushing their mile to some insane target. The bikers with helmets and spandex who look way to intimidating as their barrel down on you. It terrified me.

It was way more intimidating to be out of tht path near the Y than to be at the waterpark in a swimsuit. I felt like everyone was looking at the fat chick try to run. They scrutinized my clothes and my shoes and could tell I wasn't a "Real" runner.

I don't know that I will ever fit in.

My BIG run

So after getting up at 3:30 this morning, I finally left for my run at 6:15. I figured that my mother would be wide awake to so ran that way so we could walk. I found my mother and aunt enjoying a McD's breakfast.

I never finished running. I did do situps and push ups though!

1.3 today; 5 for the week.

I am lame.

It is time to get serious!

I have been ignoring this blog and continue promising myself I am going to get serious about my running and start using it again.

Here I am. I am planning on my first official race in October, so I have to get serious about training. I got out this morning and ran. My dog was out of control so that means my arms got some extra exercise too. LOL

1.3 run
1.6 walk with my mother
1.6 run
.3 walk

That give me 3.7 for today and I will take it! I still don't know if I am going to sign up for the 5K or the 10K. Just two weeks ago I felt like I could run a 5k any day, but today (after a couple weeks of laziness) I started doubting that. I really would love to sign up for the 10K to force myself to really train.

However, then I wonder if it is even a possibility. Am I fooling myself? that is in two months. Can I double my distance? I have to decide what I am going to do.

Really struggling

I haven't posted here in a while. I haven't had time and I have really been struggling in this area. The never ending plateau just makes things not worth while in the weight loss department. I have to find my motivation. I have to find my give a dang. I have to. I can't go back.

So why do I sit in the recliner with thoughts of a pan of brownies and pizza and I have only been up less than an hour.

I need to run. I need to snap out of it. I need to ... something.

SO much for my plan

Lets just say... I only made is to the 4th day. Yesterday weren't pretty!

Back to a nice traditional WW on program day. I can't cut something completely out. It makes me CRAZY.

I was also quite grouchy.

I'm honest

Another attempt....

I am trying to break this plateau. I have yet to be successful. I have quit pop. I have rev'd up my exercise. I have switched plans, and NOTHING. So, for two weeks, I am going to give up ALL BAD CARBS. Nothing white. Basically, meat and veggies for two weeks.

I went to my weigh in last night, and in two weeks of being a very good girl, I stayed exactly the same. I am so tried of seeing the same numbers. Something has to be done! So this is my latest attempt. I will have to keep you posted on the progress.

Hope this works because I am getting a little downhearted.

BTW, I got in five miles yesterday. It was my first run in over a week and felt really good. I want to get moving today, and make my weekly mileage goal!

So sick

I am very sick. Strep, Sinus infections, swollen lymph nodes. You know the song and dance.

I can't go to WW tonight, and I was anxious to see the scale. I haven't moved it at home, so I doubt it would move there, but I wanted to see.

I feel like I should get up and get some exercise, but I just can't. I have sucessful gotten out of the bed, took a shower, gone to the doctor, gone back to bed, gotten out again. That is all.

I am lazy

6 Miles!!!

I did it. It nearly killed me, but I did it. Six miles in one session. I ran 30 minutes (at 5.5mph) of the 78 that it took. I really wanted to see if I could do it. My feet are sore, and I am pretty sure I will be sore tomorrow. I still need to stretch and do my situps and pushups because the little guy was begging to nurse by the time I got done.

So I just had to brag a little. I am quite proud of myself!

A New Scale

I finally broke down and bought a new scale. We needed a new one so bad. I purchased on that measured BMI and hydration levels.

I am a little dissappointed in it thusfar. It seems a little unpredicable. I was also shocked to see that when I weight three pounds less, My BMI was supposedly up a percent.

I don't understant it. I think a trend down is what I am looking for so I don't care how I get there.

My meeting tonight

Well, the news was better than last week. I didn't gain. I lost 1.2.

The thing that irritated me was the fact the leader was like "Oh, see you are losing again!" WHAT? So I lost one pound! Don't get me wrong, I am happy it wasn't a gain, I am just not ready to hang the "yippee, I am off my plateau" banner. I will think that when I am past the four pounds that I have lost 20 times in the last 7 months.

The answer I keep gettting is, well, keep at it. Of course, I am going to keep at it. I have no other choice. I do think that my WW leader should have more ideas than eat less, eat more, eat less, eat more, keep at it.

UUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGGGH!!!!

Feeling Proud of Myself

I logged 20 miles this week! TWENTY. My goal this week was 18, and I thought I might have overdone it. I am still not running them all, but I am moving and that is all that matters.

It makes me excited at the thought of what I might accomplish this week. I am setting my goal this week for another 20. I know that if I keep moving and pushing myself this weight will come off. I am confident.

5 miles!!!!

I did it. I logged 5 miles in one session on that dreadmill! I ran in intervals, and walked the rest. I worked out for a total of 66 minutes. I am quite pleased with myself. I am exhausted, but happy.

I really feel that I am accomplishing something even though the scale isn't moving. I feel stronger. I feel like my lungs are stronger, almost bigger. I feel my posture improving. It is weird, and I am sure undiscernable to anyone else. It is all about how it FEELS.

I can't say that I don't hope to see that scale moving REAL soon. I neeed it to move. I want it too. I will it to, yet it doesn't. However, I am happy with the subtle changes going on, and I know that I am healthier because of it.

My meeting last night.

It doesn't get anymore frutsrating that this. I have only been weighing in every three or four weeks. The last time I had weighed in, I had finally lost three pounds. It put me down where I was before, but at least the scale was moving in the right direction.

Since then, I have been working hard. Staying within my points. Getting in exercise. I walked/run 16 miles last week.

I weighed in last night. I am back up the three pounds. I almost cried.

Babysteps

The weather was wonderful here today, and I just couldn't help but spend the day outside! I got up and hit the treamill this morning. I started running, but I just couldn't handle the running, so I decided to just walk. I walked for four miles in one hour. It felt great even though I was tired. Later, Julie and I took the kids for a very short walk down the street and back. This evening, Julie and I took the dogs for a walk. I know we walked for at least 30 minutes ( I am guessing) and we got in another near two miles. Six miles today. I am sure that I will be feeling it tomorrow.

The funny thing is the exercise makes me feel like I am DOING something for my weight loss journey instead of sitting around and waiting for the weight to just fall of or something. I have been so stuck for SO long. I know that there have been times that I could have done better, but I keep thinking when I am being good shouldn't I lose SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been a full year since I decided that I was going to change my life. My life is different. I have lost nearly 60 pounds, and I feel like a new person. More than my clothing size is different though.

I have realized something about myself. I have always seen my weight as THE issue. The key to everything. Every time that I envision myself thin, I have money. I have an organized house. I know what to say at the right times. I never feel like I want to crawl under a rock. I have perfectly behaved kids. I have GREAT HAIR! I have everything. You see for a fat girl, I have always seen my fat status as my biggest issue. It was the one thing that was holding me back, but as I have slowly learned about myself is that I haven't learned to deal with some thing sthe way that I should have. The other things that bother me are not there because of my weight!

I still feel like hiding under a rock so very often. I still feel ike an idiot in a group of people. I still second guess even those closest to me. I still am intimidated by thin people. I still have trouble with my kids. I still have trouble getting organized. I am still not rich! All those things that I like the least about myself are still there no matter what the scale says.

I am having to learn to deal with so many of these issues. I am just trying to babystep through them. I have been working on the house and disorganization issues. I have slowly tried to ease my routines again. I have been trying to find the Flylady bandwagon again. I have been trying to to get that kind of stuff under control.

I know that there are issues that are much bigger than the way I feel about my house. I only feel like I can tackle a little at a time. So here is where I am starting. We will see what happens.

A New Day.

I made it through yesterday, completely on program. If I sniffed it, I wrote it down and counted it. I had enough points for a little sweet and popcorn left at the end of the night. That is important to me. I need that when I am bored at night.

I got up and faced the treadmill this morning. I started running, but my shoes and feet were killing me. I can't find the better pair of shoes that I have and these ones are killing me. I decided I would just walk four miles in a hour instead of running for 30, and walking for ten. I just need to be moving, so I am going to be happy with that.

I retook the online point quiz last night, and it leads me to believe that I may not be eating enough points. I am not sure I am ready to add points yet, but I think that I may eat my activity points and see what happens.

I am hoping I can get the scale moving again real soon. I am tired of being stuck. It is time to get it all moving in the right direction again. I want to lose 15 pounds before summer really hits. I can do it!

Tomorrow is THE day!

I have been kinda slacking off the last couple days. I have been kind of listless and tired. I just haven't been able to concentrate on anything. Tomrorow, I have to get it together. I am going to go NAZI OP and make sure I get my five days in on the treadmill. I only got in 4 this week for 12.5 miles. My goal was 15, but I missed it.

I will go to WW tomorrow but I will not weigh in for another week or two. I just can't handle being ruled by that scale!

I have been trying to babystep my way into getting things together in several areas of my life. I don't want to jump in the deep end and then not be able to keep up with everything and just give up. I am trying to start slow and ease into it all. I have shined my sink 4 nights in a row. I have been trying to pick up at night so I don't feel buried first thing in the morning! I need to get some extra projects done and for that, the house work needs to be caught up.

So tomorrow starts a new day. I am going to take one day at a time. We will see where it gets me. Summer is coming and I really want to get another 20 pounds off!!!! It just isn't happening too fast!

Bored

I am sitting at work, and kinda bored today. Two of or regular preparers are out today (I work in a tax office on the weekends!) , so that means the traffic is quite slow. So many people are procrastinating at this point because they are afraid they owe! The traffic will pick up again when they realize they have to pay no matter how long they wait.

I am fighting the urge to eat. Eat everything. Eat aything! I did grab a few pretzels from my mom's desk, because I figured it was the least of the evils. I am bored, so what else should I do, but EAT! Okay, I will write a little too.

Dh is going to work on my blog this afternoon and make it look a little more like me. Should prove interesting!

A Personal Battle

I decided that I needed a new blog. I will continue to blog at HSB. I am fighting a very personal battle and I have needed a place to write about it. It is a daily fight for me, and I often want to write about it. I am, of course, talking about my battle with weight.

I know now that this is more than a battle with food. It is so much more than that. It is about emotion and dealing with the reasons that I eat and the reasons that I have felt comfortable staying fat. I just don't want to bore you at my blog about our everyday life with my fat.

I have said many times that I may need therapy. I think that I have some deep seated issues related to my eating and weight. I just can't and won't afford it! LOL! Unless I win the lottery, I will have to wage this war without the help of a professional.

If you want to come here and read, it is up to you. I don't want to hear that I am crazy for feeling this way. I don't want to hear you tell me that I am so for feeling the way I do. This is my personal sounding board. If I think it, I am going to just put it out there. I am working through a lot here. If you have never battled weight, it is not something that you are going to understand.

So if you are along for the ride... it promises to be interesting.