Saturday, December 8, 2007

I only have seven lives left

I hadn't run since Wednesday. That run was completely craptastic. The snow, ice, and dog nearly killed me. I felt awful after my run too. My ankle is still sore. I went to bed last night knowing that I was getting up to run today. The roads looked great last night, so I was excited to have a nice, relaxed run.

I slept in and didn't head out until almost 9:00. I told my DH that I was hoping for 6 or 7 miles depending on the cold and my ankle that was acting funny since the awful run. I was feeling good, but cold all the way up the hill. In fact, I was feeling so good I decided that I would run down the other side.

I was in a nice brisk run with my only source of negativity being a need to find the bathroom when a lady come tearing out of this long driveway and almost runs us over. In fact, I think she brushed the dog. I was startled and flustered, but it all became rage when she starting giving me the look of death! I had the right of way. I was going straight. She was the one who nearly ran me over! Then she looked at me, snarls and drives away with her hands in the air. If I could have found a rock, I probably would have thrown it.

I calmed my nerves and kept going. I made my turn around and headed towards my parents' subdivision. They have a bathroom! I was coming around the lake and I noticed an older man get into his car, and I was more alert now having just been nearly killed. My alertness paid off because the man back up and almost hit us. TWICE in one day! However, the reaction was so different! The very pleasant man rolled down his window and apologized at least 10 times in 12 seconds. I didn't even care that he almost made my children orphans. He was nice about it!

I gathered myself and headed to my parents house. I really needed the bathroom by this point! They had borrowed our second car and I opted to just drive it the 1.8 miles home instead of run. I decided not to chance anymore today. My run was shortened to just under five miles.

I hadn't realized just how cold it was. It was a balmy 10 degrees when I got in the car. I have GOT to get some winter running gear. I had patches of bright red skin under my clothing when I returned home. I think it is time for an investment in myself.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Why does food taunt me?

I swear it is the enemy! It sits in the kitchen and calls my name. It cries my name softly and promises to fix my ever dilemma. It shouts my name when I don't come instantly.

I am sad, it is there with waiting arms. I am bored, it promises excitement. I am alone, it keeps me company. I am mad, it is my crusader. It is my closest friend, and my worst enemy.

I have yet to understand fully why I can't control it. I start my day with the utmost in determination. I make my plan and I intend to follow through. I pass through our home, and it is at every pass. I know in my rational mind, that food is not the answer for anything other than true hunger, but in the moment I can't connect with rational thought. I listen to the food's subtle cry of deception.

I know that in the first few months of my WLJ, I was able to stifle it's cries. I shut it in a box and stowed it somewhere. Then the plateau hit. My determination was there for months and months. I didn't let it out of the box. I didn't even look for the box. Then, nine months into my plateau, I let it out again. I rationalized it with the fact that I could eat more of what I wanted and stay the same, or I could do it all "Right" which wasn't as much fun and stay the same weight.

Here I am another 7 months later as almost the exact same weight. I play with 5 pounds up and five pounds down. I just can't seem to find the box to incarcerate it again. So many days I don't know that I am even looking for the box.

I have said so many time that I would cut off a limb to weight less than 150 and yet.... I can't even control my hand that is stuff my face. I must not really want it bad enough.

I do want it, but the question is am I willing to find the box, use the box, and destroy the box. Food is not my answer to life's problems. Food solves nothing. I know that I have some deep seated issues related to food and weight, and I keep wading through them . I think it is evident that I have dealt with enough.

I am off to hunt for my box.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Where the Real Runners are

Our town only has one RUNNING store. I have honestly wondered how it keeps in business, yet wonder why the town only has one and it is so small. I have wanted to visit it, but frankly I have been leery. I have said repeatedly that all those real runners scare me. I feel like real runners look at me and wonder what the heck I am doing.

Dh let me out of the house yesterday afternoon for a couple errands and he encouraged me to make my debut. I was nearly sick on the way in. It is the kind of store when everyone notices who walks in. A little down town boutique leaves no room for anonymity. Two obviously runners were working there and immediately offered to help. I felt like a complete idiot because I couldn't even tell them why I was there or what I was looking for.

I finally told the one guy that I was freezing on my runs. I have no idea what is available for winter running gear. I don't know what I should be looking for and I don't know what I even like. I couldn't even tell him which part of me was cold on my runs. Before I knew it I was asking tons of questions and yakking like a nervous madwoman. I did learn tons about the local running world. I finally joined the local Road Runner's Group.

I left happy, but amazingly depressed at the same time. I feel like I will never be there. I get so happy over my own progress. I was thrilled when I broke 30 and yet, that is trash to the "Real Runners." I know that my 18 miles a week is chump change to them. I know that my 2 races are laughable. I have been truly running less than a year and the older man has been running longer than I have been alive.

I get so overwhelmed by it all. I feel like the bottom feeder of the running world. I wonder if I will ever feel like more than that. I know that when I run, I am competing with my own body, my own mind, but.... it just gets hard sometimes.

I must take it one day at a time, and to do that, I must run today. in the snow....

Hey at least I got new running gloves.