I must be a runner

I often doubt that I am a runner. I doubt the most when I am around REAL runners. You know the type :perfectly toned, fatless bodies, Skimpy little clothes, long legs that seem to never end. Those people completely intimidate me. When I run near or around them I feel like a big fraud. I can hear what they are thinking, "Oh my goodness, look at the fat chick try to walk fast. I hope she doesn't cause an earthquake."

I haven't wanted to run daily while I am hear in Wyoming. I run for so many reasons, but one of the big things is to think. I spend a lot of time thinking about everything, and I enjoy the time alone. Well, here I am in a home that isn't my own, and I can really use the time to think and e alone. I would love to run daily for the alone time!

When we pulled into town it was 59 degrees. I was already thinking about the wonderful the running would be this week. Well, a cold front arrived shortly after we did and the snow followed shortly after. The snow has been light, but this morning when I headed it out there was a soft blanket over everything. It was a lovely 18 degrees out, but I was determined.

The run was not the easiest. I spent most of my time making sure my footing was secure. The sidewalks we fine because the thin layer of snow provided traction, but the intersections and driveways, were treacherous. I can't help but wonder what the "real" runners do when running these conditions.

I persevered and it felt great. I felt like a real runner. Sure, I am still the fat chick torturing the pavement, but I was out. I was doing proving to myself that I could do it even when it was 18 degrees and snowing in foreign territory.

I need to quit ignoring this blog

I really want to blog here. I just have so little time and energy. I don't even post of my other blog very often. Throughout my day I think of things that I would love to blog about here and there, but I just don't find the time to get to it. When I finally have time (usually late at night) I just don't have the energy to put it out there.

I have been mentally dealing with alot as far as my health and body goes. I really thought as I lost weight that the fat girl mentality would somehow disappear with the pounds. It hasn't. I still hate my body and I still criticize myself daily for that. I have times that I feel really great about the way I look. I know that I look so much better than I did when I started this whole journey, but everytime I look in the mirror, I still see the fat girl.

I feel strong and healthy, but I still am so unhappy with it all. I know that it is good to want more, but is there a point that I will finally be happy? I can't go anywhere without comparing myself to other people, especially anyone of similar age and in the same stage of motherhood. I compare myself to runners and that make me half ill.

I don't know how to fix that all, but I am determined to work on it. One thing that I KNOW that I can do something about it is my training. I want to make a commitment to train seriously. I want to eat better so I can train easier. I know that a marathon will be a lot easier if I can finally drop the last 30 pounds!

Here are my goals. I am going to put it out there for all to read (all two of you :)

Big Goals:
Rockford Half Marathon on May 18, 2008
Chicago Marathon on Octover 12, 2008

The Little Stuff that will get me there:
Push my mile to under 9
Increase my base mileage
Weight training
Yoga
No soda
More water
Eat with purpose

Fit people scare me

I was out running toight. I always run in our neck of the woods, but tonight I decided to run on the local rec path to test my legs on a difference course. I started off at the gardens and headed out. I only ran to the bridge and I was just too creeped out by the guy who had set his pace right behind me.

I am not good alone. I am not good in unknown situations, so I chickened out and turned around. I ran past my starting point and headed down the path toward the Y. As I neared the Y, I was even more frightened. The creepy people didn't scare me, but the blonde with legs that were up to my chin ran past me like I was running backwards. I was scared by the pair of Mexican jogging men who were pushing their mile to some insane target. The bikers with helmets and spandex who look way to intimidating as their barrel down on you. It terrified me.

It was way more intimidating to be out of tht path near the Y than to be at the waterpark in a swimsuit. I felt like everyone was looking at the fat chick try to run. They scrutinized my clothes and my shoes and could tell I wasn't a "Real" runner.

I don't know that I will ever fit in.

My BIG run

So after getting up at 3:30 this morning, I finally left for my run at 6:15. I figured that my mother would be wide awake to so ran that way so we could walk. I found my mother and aunt enjoying a McD's breakfast.

I never finished running. I did do situps and push ups though!

1.3 today; 5 for the week.

I am lame.

It is time to get serious!

I have been ignoring this blog and continue promising myself I am going to get serious about my running and start using it again.

Here I am. I am planning on my first official race in October, so I have to get serious about training. I got out this morning and ran. My dog was out of control so that means my arms got some extra exercise too. LOL

1.3 run
1.6 walk with my mother
1.6 run
.3 walk

That give me 3.7 for today and I will take it! I still don't know if I am going to sign up for the 5K or the 10K. Just two weeks ago I felt like I could run a 5k any day, but today (after a couple weeks of laziness) I started doubting that. I really would love to sign up for the 10K to force myself to really train.

However, then I wonder if it is even a possibility. Am I fooling myself? that is in two months. Can I double my distance? I have to decide what I am going to do.

Really struggling

I haven't posted here in a while. I haven't had time and I have really been struggling in this area. The never ending plateau just makes things not worth while in the weight loss department. I have to find my motivation. I have to find my give a dang. I have to. I can't go back.

So why do I sit in the recliner with thoughts of a pan of brownies and pizza and I have only been up less than an hour.

I need to run. I need to snap out of it. I need to ... something.

SO much for my plan

Lets just say... I only made is to the 4th day. Yesterday weren't pretty!

Back to a nice traditional WW on program day. I can't cut something completely out. It makes me CRAZY.

I was also quite grouchy.

I'm honest