WOW

SoI actually got off my rear and ran this morning. It felt great, yet awful. I spent a lot of my run cursing myself for letting it get this bad again. At a mile I was dying! What is wrong with me? How could I do this? I know that I am solely responsible for this.

I got in a total of 3.1 miles. I walked half of that. I ran the other half in two parts. I guess I should just be glad I got off my rear and did something. Now, a sensible breakfast, and I must start my day.

I must repeat tomorrow.

DETERMINATION

So I have ignored this blog for over a year. I was a little concerned that it would even be here when I attempted my return.

My return - yes. I have to come back. I have to do something. I have to put it out there - even though no one will be reading this.

I haven't been running. I have been eating right. I have been out of control. I have been blaming my chaotic life and stress, yet there is nothing to blame but myself. I am the one who keeps shoveling the food in.

I have gained back at least 31 of the 68 pounds that I have lost. I am a weight watchers has been. I have failed. However, there is something I can do about it. I can. I will. I am.

We returned from our trip yesterday, and I have been preparing myself for this day. I am curbing the out of control eating, and I am going to start running again. I can't go back any farther. I look at the pictures from our trip and am outraged at myself for letting it get this far.

My goal is to lose 30 pounds before we go back to school. Hard, but doable. I can't get any fatter. I can't.

My other goal has to do with running. Next May I WILL run the Rockford Marathon. I tried to plan a half the last two years and failed both time. I now have one year to do the whole thing. It is time to start training. I can and I will.

My long term goals in place, I need to get my short term goes in order also. It starts with eating this lovely lunch of TLC crackers and FF hot dogs.

here we go

I have the blog begun as big blogging babes

I am working on the set up etc, but I need the you email addresses that you use to log in to add you as authors.

so please send them my way either here as a comment or at my email address

A proposal... if you may.

I have been thinking about something my dear blogging friends. I have all but abandoned this blog, but I have reason to think it will be revived! In my mind, I have a specific audience in mind and the first three names that pop in my head are ....

Julie, Heidi, and Ann Marie!

You know of my extreme struggles with weight. I know each one of you have your own story too. I know that each one of you want to do something about it, but struggle just as I. I need accountability in a major way, and for a long long time weight watchers did that adequately for me. I no longer find that to be enough. I need more. (I have been saying that a lot lately!)

Here is my idea....

Clean up this blog (or if you truly want to start a new one we can) and close it to authors as readers. Complete confidentiality would be a must. NO exceptions.

We could allow more than the four of us, but I think membership would have to be considered by all current members and not allowed to become too big. (maybe ten - I say this like i think someone may just want to be here without being forced)

Everyone must come clean about their weight. Where they've come from and where they are headed. I think that true honesty about our NUMBER helps us become more than that number. I would actually be honest and admit that I think I have put on almost ten pounds from the lowest I have gotten. UGH. No wonder my pants are tight.

Everyone would commit to try to post daily. We would post what we are eating. We would post our daily and weekly goals. You can use whatever plan you want. If you are counting points, you say you goal and where you are. If you are counting calories, same deal. If you want to post a food journal, that is fine too. It is about being accountability for what you are putting in your mouth. We would post about the exercise we are or are not getting.

We could post about our food demons and lament together. We could celebrate together. We could share the journey together. I have goals in my head that I need to put on paper and be held accountable to.

I want to be twenty pounds thinner this summer. What about you?

I only have seven lives left

I hadn't run since Wednesday. That run was completely craptastic. The snow, ice, and dog nearly killed me. I felt awful after my run too. My ankle is still sore. I went to bed last night knowing that I was getting up to run today. The roads looked great last night, so I was excited to have a nice, relaxed run.

I slept in and didn't head out until almost 9:00. I told my DH that I was hoping for 6 or 7 miles depending on the cold and my ankle that was acting funny since the awful run. I was feeling good, but cold all the way up the hill. In fact, I was feeling so good I decided that I would run down the other side.

I was in a nice brisk run with my only source of negativity being a need to find the bathroom when a lady come tearing out of this long driveway and almost runs us over. In fact, I think she brushed the dog. I was startled and flustered, but it all became rage when she starting giving me the look of death! I had the right of way. I was going straight. She was the one who nearly ran me over! Then she looked at me, snarls and drives away with her hands in the air. If I could have found a rock, I probably would have thrown it.

I calmed my nerves and kept going. I made my turn around and headed towards my parents' subdivision. They have a bathroom! I was coming around the lake and I noticed an older man get into his car, and I was more alert now having just been nearly killed. My alertness paid off because the man back up and almost hit us. TWICE in one day! However, the reaction was so different! The very pleasant man rolled down his window and apologized at least 10 times in 12 seconds. I didn't even care that he almost made my children orphans. He was nice about it!

I gathered myself and headed to my parents house. I really needed the bathroom by this point! They had borrowed our second car and I opted to just drive it the 1.8 miles home instead of run. I decided not to chance anymore today. My run was shortened to just under five miles.

I hadn't realized just how cold it was. It was a balmy 10 degrees when I got in the car. I have GOT to get some winter running gear. I had patches of bright red skin under my clothing when I returned home. I think it is time for an investment in myself.

Why does food taunt me?

I swear it is the enemy! It sits in the kitchen and calls my name. It cries my name softly and promises to fix my ever dilemma. It shouts my name when I don't come instantly.

I am sad, it is there with waiting arms. I am bored, it promises excitement. I am alone, it keeps me company. I am mad, it is my crusader. It is my closest friend, and my worst enemy.

I have yet to understand fully why I can't control it. I start my day with the utmost in determination. I make my plan and I intend to follow through. I pass through our home, and it is at every pass. I know in my rational mind, that food is not the answer for anything other than true hunger, but in the moment I can't connect with rational thought. I listen to the food's subtle cry of deception.

I know that in the first few months of my WLJ, I was able to stifle it's cries. I shut it in a box and stowed it somewhere. Then the plateau hit. My determination was there for months and months. I didn't let it out of the box. I didn't even look for the box. Then, nine months into my plateau, I let it out again. I rationalized it with the fact that I could eat more of what I wanted and stay the same, or I could do it all "Right" which wasn't as much fun and stay the same weight.

Here I am another 7 months later as almost the exact same weight. I play with 5 pounds up and five pounds down. I just can't seem to find the box to incarcerate it again. So many days I don't know that I am even looking for the box.

I have said so many time that I would cut off a limb to weight less than 150 and yet.... I can't even control my hand that is stuff my face. I must not really want it bad enough.

I do want it, but the question is am I willing to find the box, use the box, and destroy the box. Food is not my answer to life's problems. Food solves nothing. I know that I have some deep seated issues related to food and weight, and I keep wading through them . I think it is evident that I have dealt with enough.

I am off to hunt for my box.

Where the Real Runners are

Our town only has one RUNNING store. I have honestly wondered how it keeps in business, yet wonder why the town only has one and it is so small. I have wanted to visit it, but frankly I have been leery. I have said repeatedly that all those real runners scare me. I feel like real runners look at me and wonder what the heck I am doing.

Dh let me out of the house yesterday afternoon for a couple errands and he encouraged me to make my debut. I was nearly sick on the way in. It is the kind of store when everyone notices who walks in. A little down town boutique leaves no room for anonymity. Two obviously runners were working there and immediately offered to help. I felt like a complete idiot because I couldn't even tell them why I was there or what I was looking for.

I finally told the one guy that I was freezing on my runs. I have no idea what is available for winter running gear. I don't know what I should be looking for and I don't know what I even like. I couldn't even tell him which part of me was cold on my runs. Before I knew it I was asking tons of questions and yakking like a nervous madwoman. I did learn tons about the local running world. I finally joined the local Road Runner's Group.

I left happy, but amazingly depressed at the same time. I feel like I will never be there. I get so happy over my own progress. I was thrilled when I broke 30 and yet, that is trash to the "Real Runners." I know that my 18 miles a week is chump change to them. I know that my 2 races are laughable. I have been truly running less than a year and the older man has been running longer than I have been alive.

I get so overwhelmed by it all. I feel like the bottom feeder of the running world. I wonder if I will ever feel like more than that. I know that when I run, I am competing with my own body, my own mind, but.... it just gets hard sometimes.

I must take it one day at a time, and to do that, I must run today. in the snow....

Hey at least I got new running gloves.